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IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEX

Mary stood straight and peered at herself in the mirror, flicking her immaculate braids backwards. She stepped slightly away from the mirror to get a better look at herself. Her stare focused squarely on her bosom. She wanted to make sure that it caught her ex-boyfriend’s eyes from the get go. She managed to hold back the torrent of tears that threatened to burst onto the corridors of her eyes. “What is the meaning of love?” She asked herself, wishing that some supernatural voice would speak to her; heal her piercing pains and restore her relationship with Stanley. “What is really the meaning of love?” She posed the same question to herself again. This time, a stream of tears cascaded down her face, ruining her makeup. She fetched her handkerchief and proceeded to smother the tears. She hastily wiped her face and reapplied makeup before leaving her apartment. Outside, she flagged down a taxi and dished out instructions to the driver. Nearly an hour later, she was at Stanley’s door.

“Hello, how are you doing?” Stanley asked. “Not too bad,” Mary replied somberly. “Can I come in?” she asked. “Yes…yes, you can come in,” said Stanley unenthusiastically. He had broken up with her a few weeks earlier. “So, what’s up?” Stanley asked. His voice was laden with awkwardness. He was expecting his new girlfriend, Rita any moment. “Why? Why, Stanley. I have been asking myself, what is the meaning of love? Why did you just end our relationship like that? Don’t I do it well?” she asked, referring to sex. Her boobs were clearly staring at him. She had loosened the top button of her blouse before knocking on Stanley’s door.

She followed his eyes to make certain he caught sight of her endowments. “Please tell me, Stanley. Is there anything you would want me to do in bed? I am willing to do anything…anything to please you. I love you so much; please let’s give this thing another try. I can’t sleep…I am constantly thinking about you,” she implored. Stanley stared at her, avoiding her bosom the best he could. “It is not about sex, Mary. I…I…it is just that I don’t think we are meant for each other,” he explained with difficulty. “I will change! I promise you, I will change. Anything you want me to do, I will do it. I…I…I understand you are seeing another girl.” She began to sob, hoping that Stanley would walk across the room to console her, which he did.

She deliberately pressed her bosom against him, as hard as she could. Stanley made an attempt to resist the lure. “Stan darling, there is nothing I won’t do for you. How does she do it that makes you attracted to her? I will do the same for you. Just tell me, please. Look at me; does she have this?” She said, pointing at her bosom in reference to Rita, Stanley’s new girlfriend. Stanley’s male senses were clearly frayed. He swallowed hard as he stared at her bosom. Then, he looked away. Mary began to touch him, caressing him passionately. Suddenly, he pulled away. “You have to leave now. Please, you have to leave now Mary,” Stanley pleaded. “I don’t care honey, lets’ do it. I don’t care if you are with her; let’s just do it,” Mary groveled irrationally.

She sat back and began to undo her top. “Stop it! Get out…get out now!!!” Stanley ordered. He ran to her, pulled her gently by the arm and nudged her towards the exit. “You must leave now, Mary. I did not end our relationship for the sake of sex. I…I…I don’t think I am truly in love with you. It was best for me to be honest with you than mislead you. I tried, but the connection was no longer there. I am sorry, but it is not all about sex, Mary.” “Then, what is the meaning of love? I gave it to you when and how you wanted it, yet you say you don’t love me. Am I not beautiful enough? Tell me; what is the meaning of love, Stanley?” Mary begged as Stanley led her to the door with her blouse hanging askew.

The scenario above plays out uncountable times every day. There is a prevailing notion that most men just want sex. Truly, a good number of men just can’t help themselves, but the real fact is, a large number of men would tell you that there is so much more to a relationship than just sex. I recall a place where I used to work in London, England. One wintry Friday evening, a guy I used to work with waited at the entrance of the building a few minutes after 5:00pm. Work was over, but rather than hit the cold outside, he stood by the door as though he was waiting for some sort of cue. I was still tidying up at my desk and so was Lydia, one of my colleagues.

The guy in question, Richard looked keenly at the stream of people rushing in all directions on Oxford Street at the end of the working week. Then, I saw his face lit up with a smile. He waved and proceeded to open the door. A girl whom he introduced to us as his girlfriend waved back. He asked her in and introduced her before the two of them headed outside for a Friday evening date. “What is he doing with that thing?” Lydia asked sarcastically as soon as they had left the building. “What do you mean?” I shot at her. “She is not good looking…not cute enough for a handsome guy like him. And he turned down my offer. Mcheeeww!” She hissed in anger.

The truth is that Lydia attempted to lure Richard to bed by all means. Lydia was known for that. And clearly, she was by far more beautiful than Richard’s girlfriend. Lydia is an Indian paragon of beauty – tall, long dark hair, immaculate face, stunning endowments in all conceivable departments, inviting lips, you just name it. To her, sex was the weapon that broke all male defenses and placed any man that she wanted to date in her palms. It worked…momentarily. She could not seem to find a lasting relationship because her real personality would always shine through after sex. When sex is over, what is left of a person…that is the substance that lasting relationships are built upon. “Maybe he wants something that is not spelt S-E-X,” I pointed out to Lydia. “Yes, you are right. She is not nearly as beautiful as you are, but perhaps, she is a fabulous person and that is what Richard truly wants,” I explained. “I don’t understand what men want!” Lydia snapped.

So, what do men truly want apart from sex?

Be yourself: There is a saying I have heard amongst fellow men that some girls can be extremely beautiful but when they open their mouth, the whole beauty vanishes, ‘screeching’ violently through the window like vapor. Some girls feel that they have to impress a man by attempting to be someone else or possess qualities that they don’t have, and perhaps, don’t really need. If you are not Agbani Darego, then you are not Agbani Darego and you will never be her. More importantly, Agbani Darego will never be you either, and that makes you one of a kind. I recall a girl I was seriously attracted to. I spent months chasing after her, but as soon as I finally got her attention, I wish I never did. She spent hours bragging about her parents – who by the way, lived in the village and struggled financially. As a matter of fact, I was not from a rich background, so whether her parents lived in the village or not, owned mansions in Lekki, or not – as she had claimed – I did not care. I just liked the girl like sey tomorrow no dey – but the moment she began to talk, I began to don my running shoes, ready to run far away from her.

I also recall another girl whom I wooed with all my wits – I even borrowed some wits and tips from anyone that cared to listen to me. Eventually, when I won her over, she wanted to know how many houses my parents owned in the city and the size of my father’s estate in our village. Needless to say that I took to my heels in disappointment. Girls, sometimes the things you make far reaching efforts to cover up are the things that a guy may like the most about you – just be yourself. If he loves you the way you are, then you do not have to live with the pressure of trying to be someone else or something else. A good friend of mine, an Italian girl, used to complain about one of her fingers that was slightly bent. She was born that way. She’d make efforts to mask it around any guy that she remotely liked. Interestingly, that was one of the things that her husband, when she got married liked the most. He’d squeeze that finger and kiss it whenever they laid beside each other. She never had to hide it again.

Do not grovel: Some girls, just like Mary in the introductory story above think that if they begged a man to love and accept them, the man in question would throw themselves at them. News flash! That is not true!!! The more you try to impress a man, begging, and forcing yourself on him and even offering him sex, the further away you will push him from you. Some girls are shocked that after offering a man sex, he accepts it and then walks away afterwards. Some men have no scruples for dignity and morality, so they will accept what is on offer, but it does not mean they are going to love you afterwards. A woman ought to be like an onion, masked in convoluted layers – a jewel to be discovered one layer at a time. Carry yourself with confidence and never beg a man to be with you, love you or sleep with you. Let him do the chasing. Of course, you can offer some subtle green lights, but do not take a megaphone, climb to the rooftop and yell your lungs out to a guy that you love and want them. Men like the chase – it fuels their male ego; the art of chasing after and wooing a woman. It gives them a sense of accomplishment. Do not deprive them of that by throwing yourself at a man as if you had never been with a man – even if you have not, do not act like it!

Grant him some freedom: If you hold love too tightly, you smother it, and if you hold it too loosely, you lose it. Some women think that if they breathe over a man’s neck endlessly, they would come to appreciate that they care for them. I recall a girl I dated briefly at some point. I really liked her…a lot, but if I had stayed in that relationship, I would be dead today – choked to death. She would not let me breathe. If a day went by and she did not see me, she would throw tantrums and make an ugly scene. I could not hang out with my friends without incurring her wrath. She wanted to screen the air I breathed before I inhaled it. I was being asphyxiated by the day. If she called me and I did not pick up right away, even though I was at work, she’d get mad…violently mad. She would call me forty times in a space of minutes and leave me uncountable text messages to back it up. I was constantly walking on eggshells. I had to end the relationship before I went down with cardiac arrest. You must learn to love yourself in a healthy way; enjoy the company of you and let him be by himself every now and again. Spend time with your own friends and let him do whatever he chooses. Do not call or text as if there was no tomorrow. Love has got to be free to be enjoyed, and not forced out of or upon anyone!

Be his spine; his ultimate support: You cannot be right every single time. Make an effort to indulge your man. If he is having a rough time at work, be there to hear him out – let him vent. Do not complain that he is whining too much. There are times when you may not agree with his plans or intentions. So far as he is not taking up an illicit venture or hurting anyone, either speak your opinion in love or let him have his way every now and again, especially if he feels strongly about whatever it is that he is doing or is about to do. Some women would argue until thy Kingdom come – “you are spending far too much on your family.” “Why do your siblings or parents ask for money all the time?” “What is it they want from you now?” That is not going to happen!!” Hello, he has known that family before he met you. He has probably been through hell with them before he arrived where he is today – before you came into the picture! Do you realize that you are more likely to get most, if not all that you want or may want from him if you supported him?

Ladies, be your man’s spine. He needs it more than you understand. I cannot tell you how many times I have set out to do something that scared the living daylight out of me, but beside me was my wife who cheered me on. She would urge me on with infectious passion. To her, I am superman. Her words of encouragement spur me on every single day. Build up your man, don’t tear him down! Make time to praise your man sincerely. You be shocked to find out how much he craves it…especially from you!

Respect and admiration: Rein in your tongue, ladies! Speak to your man in love. He is not perfect, and no one is. Yelling, name calling, and heaping insults at him will only put a wedge between yourself and him. Instead, tell him how much you admire him. Be gentle in pointing out errors and faults. Count to a hundred before speaking when you are angry. The tongue can do a lot of good, and as well, it can do a lot of damage. Do not constantly drop the bombshell that damages his person with your tongue.

Have a sense of humor: Make time to laugh…laugh with him. Tell jokes and take in his jokes. Let him understand that you cherish humor, and most of all, his sense of humor. Most of all, crack his ribs with your sense of humor. Sometimes, my wife calls me up while I am working just to share a joke. Before she even says a word, I can hear beautiful smile over the line as she struggles to gather her composure to tell the joke. When she does, I tend to go reeling on the floor. Most importantly, I think of her for the rest of the day, with a smile on my face.

Don’t be a selfie/social media addict: Yes, in case you did not know it, guys tend to make fun of one another over what they or their significant other do on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other social media platforms. If you are constantly posting selfies of yourself – almost on a daily basis, it may suggest that you lack self-confidence, seeking validation and approval from the outside instead of having it deep within yourself. Some people have a tendency to post shots of themselves non-stop, waiting endlessly to see how many likes they can rake in. It is only a matter of time before your friends and your man’s friends begin to see you as artificial, immature and devoid of confidence. Also, desist from posting very personal things on social media. I recall a guy who went ballistic at his wife who posted an argument they had the previous night on Facebook. Their marriage is still in jeopardy after several public fights on Facebook, with people offering advice to either of them from every conceivable angle – both right and wrong. Differences between you and your man should be resolved maturely between the two of you and not on social media. Be mature; let your confidence ooze through. Carry yourself with grace.

Talk to him, men are poor mind readers: It is typical for a woman to get angry and not say a word. They wait, watching to see if their man would figure out that they are angry, and then proceed to figure out why they are angry. Come on, as much as it would be great for your man to read you and understand you, if he works tirelessly with other life issues breathing down his neck, he might not be able to decipher what you are carrying in your heart. Besides, men are poor mind readers. Please talk to him! Let him know what he may have done wrong. Give him some help before the matter simmers and blows out of hand. Don’t play the game – let me see if he is going to work out if and why I am angry. Talk to him with love and maturity; he is more likely to get it than wait while you boil and rage deep within for him to read your mind.

Make time for a warm hug: Relationships are not all about sex. Make time often for a long, warm hug. Look into each other’s eyes and hug as though there was no tomorrow. Make time to kiss, stare into his face and tell him how much he means to you. Then, kiss some more and hug a bit longer. It does not have to be planned – when you walk past each other at home, just stop abruptly and grab a dose of hugging and kiss before proceeding with your chores. Initiate it, lead him on. My wife is a hugger and so am I. I love when she melts into my arms and whispers in my ears. Then, she pulls away momentarily, stares into my face with a ravishing smile before melting back into my waiting arms. Then, she whispers the most beautiful things in my ears. Now, I initiate the hugs and kisses…and whispering. Make memories; they are perhaps, the most important fabric of life.

THE END

Written by:
Victor Chinoo

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COMMENTS

  • FlorenceReply

    Tanx dearie 4 d piece of Advice/Information,Takilen 2 mind.

  • ChyiomyyReply

    This is superb. I like am no be small. I have to commit these to mind. Thanks guys!

  • OnyiiBestReply

    Awesome! I really like you guys. This na relationship sermon for all girls, served free.

  • ChiichiiReply

    Indeed, when you are yourself, carry yourself with dignity, throw your weight behind your man and shower him with love and support, he will be immeasurably happy and so will you! This is good!

  • ZainabReply

    Nice one, I really love this piece, its mind blowing,

  • Success ChristopherReply

    I have really lent alot now my man will stay with me and me alone i won't give room for any complaint again with this piece of advice i really love it

  • ObiomaReply

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  • lolaReply

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  • Nzube CharlesReply

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  • Mary EneReply

    Lovely piece

  • seanclaireReply

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  • christianahReply

    this is great! kudos to the writer

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